..: Fashion. Art. Music:..

I smell the vague cologne of a memory

I crave the touch of someone whose prints have been erased from my skin

of frosted kisses and interlinked fingers

I miss habits and routines that were established.

Something I swear was..or is real

Something I use to hold and escape into

But I’ve come to realize that it was never tangible.

This incomplete reality is a my own hopes doused in my wildest fantasy

This ache is unbearable.

Oddly I feel numb at times and that hurts more.

It’s like I’ve been awaken to this new world..this new sense..

And losing it somehow means that I accept hopelessness. 

I feel lost my head most days

replaying memories and making sure they were real and not some fantasy I’ve brainwashed myself with.

It happened

They happened

We happened

and it was all so poetic.. tragic…surreal…and unexpected

I don’t know how to make it stop

this..hurt..no longing is more accurate

amidst this chaotic state of change and insecurities why of all things I am so acutely focused on this?

And I am so good with the words.

Defining, pondering

and you’re a fleeting thoughts

ambiguous, vague and oddly prophetic at times.

if only knew what a remedy your words would be

If ever you would use them wisely

I’d never tell you so…I’d never want you to feel compelled.

It ought to be natural…

I’m working on it,

With everything I am..and everything I got

I’ll make this happen you’ll see

The rewards will be plenty and oh so deserving.

I am at the biggest and perhaps the most important turning point of my life. On one hand I have the option of playing it safe while being bitterly unhappy and still facing unknown dangers. On the other hand is the option of taking a leap of faith and for the first time in my life doing something for myself despite all the consequences. I’d be surrounded by my loves and creating my own little niche and being comfortable. But there’s no guarantees that I’d be able to survive. It would test my might and I’d be placing my future on hold for the possibility of making it better.
I am so scared and I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about it because it all sounds so naive and immature. I’m gambling on my life. i hate taking risks that I can’t fully calculate  I wish I had a little bit of financial support. everything is going to be do hard. I am so scared.
I need a sign. A little bit of help and guidance. I need something to give and make it obvious what it is I’m supposed to do

I’m so terrified and alone.